The gospel of minerbert

The Gospel According to Minerbert

Chapter 1: The Genesis of Ore

In the void before time, there was naught but silence. Then did Minerbert proclaim, "In our dreams we are free; the rest of the time, we need ore."
And lo, he cast his structures upon the moons of Joppaya, and they did yield bountifully.
His sons and daughters filled their holds with his holy loads and gave thanks.
The belts of Eden lit with golden glimmers, and the faithful rejoiced, crying out, "Praise be to the one who drills in darkness and reaps in light."
Thus was the first mining fleet born, its drones humming the hymns of productivity.

Chapter 2: The Trials of the Faithful

Yet, many heathens arrived, seeking the bounty without offering praise to Minerbert.
Wrathful, he summoned a fleet of a hundred hulks, and the belts were emptied before the unworthy.
Minerbert stamped his mighty staff, and the FOBs vanished, leaving the people in awe.
And a tempest came upon the belt of Basement, whereupon the miners did tremble.
"Have faith," Minerbert declared, "for the darkness brings with it the glitter of harvest."

Chapter 3: Decrees and Revelations

On the eighth day, Minerbert commanded, "The FOB shall be decimated!" Standing atop his mighty ibis, he surveyed the vista and deemed it good.
The miners declared, "This duty shall be our bane until the end of the EVE universe."
The lights shone, belts were torn asunder, and local chat exploded like a second Big Bang.
Minerbert looked upon his fleet with reverence and chose Becky to receive his majestic load and convey it to its resting place.
And the gate to Jita opened, brighter than any cyno.

Chapter 4: The Eternal Struggle

On the ninth day, Minerbert decreed a battle between Becky and Adora. The fight raged until downtime, and upon the universe's reboot, a victor was declared.
"Don't worry, Rev. Ayssmo," Minerbert said, "You are all my children. Go forth and fill your ore holds with the bounty of moon belts."
He forgave Becky's heretic thoughts, casting them out like the STDs they were.
And from his cargo bay, he withdrew a single tritanium block and gave it to her as a symbol of mercy.
Thus were the doctrines of the great haulers written, etched into the hulls of Orcas and freighters alike.

Chapter 5: Wisdom and Warnings

Minerbert looked down upon the corp he created and all his followers within, and it was good.
When heathens laid siege to the belts of Goitre, Basement, and Dance Floor, Minerbert waved his hand, and the belts became barren for seven days.
Reverend Fanny proclaimed:
In EVE, mining's slow but grand,
You dig through rocks across the sand.
Then pirates come with guns so bright,
Stealing your ore, what a delight!
The ore you mine, so rich, so vast,
But ships explode, the fun won’t last.
Mining’s a grind, but here’s the key,
You’ll get rich—or just die trying, you'll see!
Nellz, unmindful of Minerbert's wisdom, ventured forth in his Hulk. Edencom struck him down twice for neglecting his standings.
Minerbert sighed, "The void spares no fool. Honour your factions, or face their fury!" And the Orcas rumbled with laughter as they mined undisturbed.
Saint Minnie of the Fighters declared that all complaints must be submitted in quin-triplicate and fluent ancient Danish on stone tablets, or they would be unheeded.
Alone, Brother Al whispered to Minerbert, "You said if I blow it, they would come. Where are they, oh mighty one?"
From the darkness of the void, Minerbert's voice echoed:
Say their name, say their name
If no one is around you
Say that you love mining
If you're in an asteroid belt.

Chapter 6: The Pilgrimage to Null

And it came to pass that Minerbert called upon his chosen to voyage beyond the gates of high sec, into the lawless lands of Null.
"Take with you the gospel, the probes, and the gas scoops, for salvation lies amidst risk," he proclaimed.
The fleet assembled in unity, freighters and frigates alike, escorted by the guardians of Procuria.
The journey was long, and many were ganked at Uedama, but faith did not falter.
For Minerbert had promised: "Every loss mail is a testament to your conviction."

Chapter 7: The Book of Salvations

Sister Zoey, salvager of sanctity, wandered into wreckfields and returned with prophecies written in melted nanoribbons.
"Even in death, there is yield," she declared, clutching the relics of broken Catalysts.
And Minerbert smiled upon her devotion, granting her the title of Saint of Salvage.
From then on, no wreck was left untouched, for to do so was to reject his bounty.
And the cargo bays overflowed, not just with ore, but with hope.

Chapter 8: The Revelation of the Drone Lands

In a dream of pyroxeres and radiant lasers, Minerbert beheld the Drone Regions, untouched and teeming.
He summoned the faithful: "Go forth, spread the strip miners, claim the virgin void."
And a new wave of disciples set out, guided by the holy ping.
There they founded the First Temple of Yield, a refinery blessed with 4% bonus efficiency.
And they spake in unison: "Let this cycle be maxed, and this hold be full."

Chapter 9: Benedictions of the Beacon

In his twilight, Minerbert spoke unto his people one final sermon, as his Orca slowly aligned.
"Never let greed cloud your scans, nor sloth slow your lasers," he intoned.
"Respect the boosters, the scouts, the FCs. Each plays a part in the holy grind."
As he warped to a celestial, his final words echoed through the comms:
Mine in peace, warp in hope,
Live in yield, and anchor together.
And the skies grew still, save for the hum of drones and the quiet ping of a newly spawned moon belt.
So ends the Scripture of Minerbert, Patron Saint of the Ore-Blessed.

Praise be to Bert. Forever may his yields be vast.